Thursday, May 20, 2010

Now What?

Now what.. a direct quote muttered from my mouth this morning upon my awakening. Now what.. Unfortunately no answer has been heard yet. For the past 2 weeks I have been finishing with clients almost every session. For the past two weeks I have been dreading going into work for fear of the extreme emotional toll the goodbyes were taking on me. I had always loved work, really loved it but these past few weeks were horrible for me and I no longer wanted to go. I wanted to disappear and just let my absence say good bye. But that would have been wrong, so I went to every session. And now they are over. Just like that, all that emotional energy used and hours spent planning on how to end with each client, done, over, complete. I am glad I went, they were blessed endings (possibly another blog in a few days) and I have completed the chapter of my life as a therapist in Toronto. I have been touched and impacted by my amazing clients and I will forever have them in heart. But still, the question burns in my head, Now what?

Now What?

Now what.. I went back to the beginnings of my blogging days and read Book Endings and Something from nothing to see if my wise self had answers, but all I found was faith and hope. Darn, did I write that? I know I meant it when I wrote those words. I know there is a plan for me but it not visible at this time. My faith and hope are genuine and real but now I find they are being tested as I find myself having to live up to my own words, a consequence of this public journal that I only now realize.

So do I suck it up and just continue on in my happily every after idea that there is a plan? Not entirely as I think that by itself would be insincere, I think it would be forced and I think worst of all it would be ineffective for the kind of live I desire to live. God works through the messy stuff of life, to ignore the messy emotions and thoughts I have right now would be to also ignore His presence. I desire to learn how live in the in-between. A place of remembering one chapter while waiting for the next one? A huge challenge for someone like me but one I think I am ready to tackle.

I am tired and weary from the last few pages of the chapter of my life in Toronto, I am anxious about the beginning of the next chapter in Nassau. I am aware however that I do not want to miss out on the beautiful short story being written in the now. A short story that is about 2 weeks long, set in an almost empty house but filled with beautiful rich characters. Now what, I think was an incorrect thing to wonder, for in my Now, there is a rich story containing characters of old and with the hint of characters to come and I want to enjoy the now. Knowing how to live in the in-between is just as important as living in a well known plot. Whether you are waiting for test results, in between jobs, or waiting for a relationship to mend, it is living in the in-between through which we gain appreciation for well laid out plots. So my very real challenge right now is to live well in the in-between.

Asking Now What was not entirely inappropriate but I also need to force myself to look at the Now, just for what it is, no schedule, an empty house and possibly more hard goodbyes. But I accept the challenge of the Now, and find contentment in the story being written in the in-between. Shine On My Friends.

1 comment:

  1. Well done, Allie! Godspeed as you live (even thrive) during this "in-between" stage.